an · idiosyncratic · temperament · of · psychoticism

life's a bitch.


we're perpetually stuck in the vicious cycle, so do we choose to continue in the cycle or we simply pretend that it doesn't exist underneath the pretty facade? someone invades your privacy, takes your things. how many of us are capable of giving the best answer of these things are immaterial and will not bother me? 1 in that thousand of people who have their private lives violated every day.

it's that sense of entitlement, i should, i am, it's mine. that's our fault, so is it then our fault that we cannot give the best answers? or rather, should we be faulted for not being able to give the right answers?

someone walks into your bedroom, takes your clothes, messes up your room, how are you going to react? do you think that you're gonna do whatever it takes to ruin the live of the person, thus continuing the perpetual cycle of viciousness? or pretend that it all stil looks so pretty, so perfect, it's alright, i'll let it pass, when underneath you're fuming.

let's paint the picture of a bottle of coke. you shake it, and leave it in the middle of the table. for all the soda drinkers we'd know that the next unfortunate person to open that bottle is gonna get an involuntary shower. second scenario is to shake it and open in, in which you're the unfortunate soul to be showered.

so we open it and leave it the cycle to be continues, or do we pretend that it's all nice?


..

reading mitch albom's "tuesdays with morrie" really puts a perspective ahead of you. maybe i'm about to die, though i do not believe i am that fortunate for it to be soon enough for my liking.



love bears all things, believes all things, love hopes all things endures all things, love never fails.

how about tuesdays? how many tuesdays do we give?









`life's like a wresting match, who wins? - mitch albom

the phrase "some things are better left unspoken", is over used and under understood.

have you really understood what it means? more than the things that are going on in your life, it's someone elses' life as well.

you never invited me, so how are you to say that i don't appear when necessary? have you ever looked at a picture from the other side before?

i often think pernicious syntax is the epitome of my life. now, it's just the entire engagement.

i haven't posted in over a month, and i am amazed i must say. what challenged a change? nightmares and dreamscapes. the only problem is that when i wake up with such a vivid dream it sometimes come to pass. SHIT..


i would say, it isn't the best way to wake up. sheesh.



likewise, pernicious syntax (seeing that syntax has no tense), isn't it the irony of life sometimes. going to town last night was, something i hadn't done in a long time. so here i am, stuck in the shithole at my desktop at 10 in the morning, who has ever seen me at 10? i on principal do not wake up at 10, i don't sleep and die the next day or it's never 10am. stupid dream... sent a text to xueli, she has the best replies ever. some times things are better not said..


hey, maybe i DO have bipolar! ain't that cool? let's both be mad together..

an hour and a half later and my head is still throbbing.. stupid dream... erghhhh...



i usually limit the use of my descriptive sounds to my twitter and facebook, and they appear how. i should stop reading xiaxue's blog, albeit i do say it is interesting, sometimes. well, perhaps i've finished saying what society,*ahem and cough* allows me to say, after all, i shouldn't be able to speak to them until i've controlled my emotions can i?

what happened to helping them help ourselves? interesting theory don't you think? talk is easy, talk is big, though i do say, i have yet to meet a real man, what happened to them?


real men, removed?


what happened to treating people right, just because it was right? talk is big. and empty vessels make the most noise, so let's place a conclusion, are you an empty vessel?








`no one sees, no one bothers, no one cares.

is it a sin to be the way i am? different, widely, and what people say, vindictive, closeted and every so other thing.

well, i am the way i am because the way you made me the way i am.... if you were just a little nicer, maybe such things might have been just a tad been different that would have made a change??

we are often disappointed by the people closest to us.






i hardly post about a sermon on the day i hear it, but today's word is definitely sharing. this is pastor Kong Hee's message to us heart of God church. moving from 1st space to 2nd space to be able to penetrate the 3rd space. It talks about Paul's movement in Athens. it was not an obvious evangelism outreach, rather a underground subtle change that changed history.

are we so stuck in 1st space we forget the 2nd space? many of us are, but do we then have the right to criticize those who are penetrating the 2nd space? these are the people who will reach 3rd space, eventually, through faith and hard work, but first because they were in the 2nd space. why are we so locked up in the 1st space then?

i choose to go to the 2nd space. i have been criticized, so here i am saying, i am in 2nd space, to move to the third. we believe that God speaks to us in different ways, one of them is remembrance. I remember, almost two years ago when pastor Don Easton's wife prayed over me. "she will go places where others will not go, she will go places out of reach, though she is small, Father in You she will stand ten feet tall." so i say, i choose to stay in 2nd place for good reason. and i am waiting, to be invited to move into the 3rd space. =]

Pastor Kong's really amazing. =] at least i know i have one motivator to move on with should all else fail. =]



`You're my superhero. =]<input ... ></input><input ... >

where is God when it hurts? somewhere where he knows we're hurting, and not wanting to do something about it, or bringing us through a phase in transition?


now i know, God is hanging around. waiting. waiting for you to scream in frustration exasperation and hurt. and then he turns to hand you the best present after waiting so long.

I always thought the waiting was a nonsensical idiotical weirdness. that i was doing everything for all the small things and never being noticed just because.

...

i felt like going to pasir ris, because i could. i didn't know why either. or rather at all. i thought i could maybe meet my two girls. go have a drink say hi and go home. well, then i actually went with them to the flea market and walked with them home with their mom. it was an amazing time with that fantastic woman of God. her strength is absolutely mindblowing, yet in her vulnerability and even strength, her humility is shocking. she has no fear to say, God says. we are often afraid to share with our own christian friends, what God has said. she has no fear of those two words. those two words are not of embarrassment, but strength to her.

i love her so much. i feel so at home with her!! oh my goodness!! talking to her is like making a new best friend. the things she shared, i never knew. the things she shared put me in a situation of shock where i had never knew. the things, in privacy of family where some people would not share, she was unafraid to say. she trusted me. in every sense of the word.

we believe in two things. i can, so i do. and why not. why should we give because we can? the one woman i never expected to give so much, she gives. why not? why can't we give a little more than usual? we can, so why not? why should every cent have to matter so much? is it so wrong to buy my lunch or dinner? or for us to bless you? sometimes, we are weird people.

...

every year, i get great presents. this year, it brought christmas. =] oh. and santa claus!! =] it was so weird following gut feeling / intuition after so long. but it didn't just pay out, it gave me the entire ownership. present 1 was the gift from Jordan. present 2 was hanging out with the photog crew today. they're the best. haha my third present was the gift of love. thank you so much for loving me and sharing with me.

as i was going home, i felt more blessed than i ever felt. today was one of the worst days in my history in church ever. no one bothered to ask how i was seeing that i'm already doing so many stuff, just expecting stuff to magically appear. no one bothered to bless, just ask. and third i was discipled in a manner i thought was not loving at all. i don't want to leave CCH, it's just sometimes work is a little overwhelming. does that naturally mean i want out? have you guys ever asked and wondered? we are the fastest growing pastoral team, and we lack within each other? how do we then love our kids?

E. i know you're hurting, and i love you not for mushiness, but because i love you. because i care. i care for you enough to tell you someone cares, why then are you bitching about the fact that you're hurt? because i know what it's like to be hurt and confused. so you wonder why i can be horrendous, look at yourself in the mirror.

...

it was kinda interesting listening to all the conversations i had today. the one who loved me most was the one who knew me least, but gave me the most faith and trust. we have different giftings, thank God for you. the one who knew me most, yet turned away. the one who thought knew me well enough couldn't be bothered. what happened to us as christians?

...

thank You for showing me how much more change was suppose to happen. now i pray, not change for me, but for those who love him best. i thought i was overlooking faults, now i know, it's just fact and disciplines in life needing to change. thank You for letting me know. for giving me the chance to see. i wonder what might have went on should i have not gone to pasir ris. i think i might have come home and died.

thank you my ladies for the best gift of love ever.






`1350, 1000. it can happen, it will happen.

we are what we are, given a choice to choose, yet those put in a position where they can freely give, they choose. how about those people who lie in the background, doing all that we do, sometimes more than often not, forgotten?


if loving people has a price, name it. having to love my two girls with a price is unreasonable even for them. i love them because i can, not for anything else. yet the weight it strains, because of the consequence i would have to face. if you'd tell me someone will take over, i will willingly let them go to those who will bother. as of now, no one has.

when i do cards, i do them beautiful. i don't want to be part of a CG that is incapable and unwilling or just a CG which is capable of nothing. yet now the cards are too expensive? i prefer to do the real deal, all the way, even if it's expensive. not because i want to show off. that is a tertiary argument, but primarily because i think my leaders and Pastors deserve the best. why should i choose to give a substandard service when i am capable of giving a hundred percent and the best work? looking at brands, i would rather carry the real bag then a $30 imitation. not because i want to show off, we'd get to that later. but because i am not a fake. you don't have it, it isn't yours, end of story. coming to showing off. why shouldn't i? if something's beautiful, why shouldn't i share it with the world? one famous jeweler would make the finest jewelry and give them to his wife, his reason, not because he can, but diamonds are made to flaunt and she was willing and unafraid to flaunt them. why should i be afraid to give my best, give something that is original and beautiful?

we end up being so limited by ourselves, we forget the people around us. when we're hurt, we bitch the ass of the person, and yet we forget, how often have we hurt people as well? how have we lived what we called we are? why should different be shunned? why should it be ugly? a sphere in a green light and a sphere in yellow light would still turn out to be the same sphere in a different dimension and light.who are we to call yellow wrong and green right?


why are those put in authority who have been given all free reign to love, choosing? likewise, when you have the authority and free reign, why are we now so picky as to who to love? comparative to those who love with restrictions.we are all given the right to choose, shouldn't you who is given more give more? should we litter because we can, then expect people to pick up our litter?



it's not the things i do that get me down. it's not the amount of things to do that gets me down. it's the fact that nobody cares. no one would say thank you. no one would bother saying good job. in it's scarcity, it's amazing how even after we do so much we still need to find the energy to encourage ourselves. what are you called friends for then? or are you merely bystanders?

many thanks to
- xueli.
thanks babe, for listening to me rant away for two hours that night.
-jordan
for the outrageously gorgeous beautiful birthday present. =]

these are the people out of our cycles. they are those who are different, are they wrong just because they don't belong in our church? i felt their love more than anywhoo in the past year. who are you loving then?




not disappointed, merely disgusted. because of the choices made to put surface over strength.






`beauty turned around isn't wrong.

have you ever been in that positions when you're just feeling so 'blah' that you just don't feel like doing anything else? I have, rather i am, for the last three months.

It hasn't exactly been the best three months of my life, and yet again i can't say it's the worst three as i really have no idea the worst days of your life can last three months.

Only having to realise i haven't posted in almost a month seems to have shown the time difference, and underlying the time, the physical difference.

seeing as this post is delayed, i should just post it anyway.

look at the orange glow, bask in it, and watch it sink slow and steady behind the cover of the clouds, sending the rich crimson across the skies.

smile, take my hand, let's just take a stroll into the disappearance.

should we be blamed for walking away? should we be blamed for turning our heads away? should we apologize because we're different?

 

 

 

 

sometimes we stand in the crossroads, our own crossroads sometimes. we fear to look behind, because we know those behind would not follow. yet as we look ahead, those who stand in front of us would not walk forward to take our hands. we are stuck in the middle. is it because we choose to look both forward as well as backwards? do we get to choose between the lesser evils? is there a difference between the two evils?

 

the past is a history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift, therefore it is called the present.

 

so we are suppose to walk, as we enjoy the moment? are we suppose to smile, look up, look back and then close our eyes and smile again? how do we find the courage or the strength? not once, not twice, but time and time again. we look at turn at the people who we hope would walk us out, follow us on the journey, even if just halfway. they sit, and they look, and they say bye. then we look up and we see the people in front of us, we hope they'd just take a few steps forward towards us, or even just one. then to our left and right, are the boxes that block our ways to run.

 

 

where do we turn? to the front, to the back, or climb over the blocks and boxes in that vain attempt to draw strength to move forward?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

`be someone who loves me because of my differences, not inspite of them.

how revelations and insights come from the most unexpected places.

this harry potter movie has definitely surpassed my expectations, way above and beyond.the depth of character, the differences, the mystique of the treacherous unpredictability.

we come to the show, when at the closing, he fights the enemy, he fights snape. yet as snape walks away, he lies there, defeated, broken, and in wonder of why we still fight. why do we fight in the first place? why do we? what good has it done anyone? he lost, the few things he cherished. the most precious things he cherished.

yet as he walks back to the body, as people stand by and look, they realise a lost, because they lost it too. there, they raise their wands, to illuminate the path, one road we don't see, the unity.


do we have to lose someone before we realise the fragility of everything we have?


the movie was well done, placed to perfection. dark, twisted, melancholy, calming deep waters where our own disturbances lurk.

you said you'd always be there for me. you said you'd be a phone call away. please pick up.


have you ever trusted someone so explicitly, that it doesn't matter anything else? it doesn't matter what someone else might tell you, that you'd keep their hearts so close, that nothing else would matter? it doesn't matter what problems nor wrongdoings in a person, just faith and trust?

would you?

parents only give their children their best, do the rest of us deserve their children?

.

yet when we know what might be, the history of what was, or what did. we believe, we hope, we pray. that in this we trust. in this we can trust without fear or insecurity. we hope that what we speak, what we enunciate will carry through into the hearts of those we trust, in history and future, and they turn away, and look at you, with indignation, with aversion they believe we cannot see.

are these the people who we promise our trust, our hearts, our minds, and our lives to?



yes, they are.
i still love you the way you are, the way you change, because you were there when i needed you in my deepest well.

.

yet are those we don't know, we trust? what our minds choose to see. many a times we walk away from those who love us the best. those we don't know, those we hope we trust and then we love. but how do we know we can choose to first trust them? who we cannot know for sure, what might have been or could have been? how do we have the faith to give?



why would you choose to trust me, so much that your faith in me is more than my own. i thank you, just thank you.

( true colours )
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

I see your true colours
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful
Like a rainbow







`be there, be true.